You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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