I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
