We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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