Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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