Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
