it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
