We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
