you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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