You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
