Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
