Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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