By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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