i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
