I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
