i would punch a child for taco bell
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
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