When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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