When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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