Moan for me like Helen Keller
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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