Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
