It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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