Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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