Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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