My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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