Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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