I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
