Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
