you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
cat food counts as protein by the way
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
