i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
