official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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