If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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