He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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