I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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