we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
