i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
