just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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