how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Walk of Shame today included voting.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
