her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
