farters have to be the big spoon...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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