Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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