My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
