I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
