I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize