thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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