Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
