well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize