please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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