She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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