You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
