Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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