Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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