Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
