i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
