I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
