Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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