EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
