I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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