If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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