dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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