I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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